Last week I was trucking near Tucson and saw an IN-N-Out Burger joint. It is particularly dangerous for me to be hungry while driving a semi-truck and come upon In-N-Out. Something about those freshly cooked French fries with the pink pickle sauce has me hitting the brakes and looking for a place to park.

Give me forty acres and I’ll turn this rig around, right? Not sure if they mean my truck or my backside.

In-N-Out totally intrigues me. Their menu is child’s play, only half a dozen items, yet people pour in-n-out of In-N-Out like their lives depend on it. Somebody is making some serious dough. Besides the buns, that is.

Well, my noggin got to coggin’, and I came up with a plan. I think I’ll open a restaurant called Up-N-Down. I’m currently looking for investors. Anyone? Anyone?

We should have more food choices than In-N-Out. I propose we have EVERYTHING on the menu from healthy food to the lowest of the low, maybe grease chips with fake nacho cheese lava. Sound good?

When a chunky cheek chick comes into my restaurant, we will offer weight loss assistance by steering her towards the DOWN side of the restaurant to keep her encouraged with her diet. We will begin with a large glass of water followed by two ounces of beef liver accompanied by three large broccoli florets. She’s gonna love it!

Those on the anorexic side will quickly be shuttled to the UP side of our restaurant since they need to stack on a few lubs so the next summer breeze doesn’t blow them off to Shanghai. For these folks, we will serve all manner of non-food items to encourage weight GAIN. I’m thinking along the lines of pizza, fries, ice cream, donuts, twenty-five choices of cake, and Flam-Nuggers. That’s what my three-year–old son christened a hamburger.

We are going to make a ton of money. Shark Tank, here we come!

If that doesn’t work, I’ll open a new restaurant called Side-to-Side. We will feature only side dishes, absolutely no main dishes allowed. Everyone will lose weight. So awesome!

Wait. How about a diner called Back-and Forth? What say we have a mandatory stipulation that our customers walk backward to enter the restaurant. Then when they go forth, they will always come back. Cool.

One more brainstorm. How about a coffee shop called Ahead-N-Behind. Hmm, that could be misinterpreted. We could have weekly bicycle competitions to work off the daily latte, wot? That makes sense. Some people will be ahead, and some will be behind.

What’s your neat idea for a restaurant?

Now, pipe down, everybody. Don’t get offended by my fat jokes. I don’t have much room to talk. Last May someone nice bought me a fat-laden birthday dessert about the same size as I was. When I saw the pictures, it was the last haystack. No wonder my funny husband used to call me Marge the Large Barge.

Now, four months later, I find myself forty pounds leaner. I can handle the teasing a little better now.

Can I have my cake and eat it too?

YES!

Forty down

Forty to go.

Give me forty acres, and I’ll turn this rig around.